How to talk to a Scientologist (if you really have to).


So I figure most everyone I know saw the South Park episode about Scientology. They got a few details wrong for the sake of the framing story, but it was largely (surprisingly) accurate.

If you haven't seen it (and you have broadband, or a lot of time on your hands), you can get it here.

Any Scientologist who hasn't yet paid the Church of Scientology tens of thousands of dollars and taken the "OT III" course will vehemently (sometimes angrily) deny the stuff about Xenu. Just as they're told to.

But if anyone ever tries to get you to take a "personality test" (or sometimes a "stress test") or even a brochure, just tell them:

Sorry, I'm entheta. I like my R6 implant too much.


How anyone can take an organization that was founded by a man who believes humans evolved from clams seriously is beyond my comprehension.


I've known about this crazy stuff since before South Park or Wikipedia existed. A long time ago I entertained a semi-serious interest in spam and other internet abuse. Some reading on the usenet group news.admin.net-abuse.usenet led to reading alt.religion.scientology which led to a variety of sites I can't even remember now.

For further reference:
http://www.xenu.net
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology_beliefs_and_practices

Call me Smilin' Bob.

I now have the whistling song from the Enzyte commercial as the ringtone on my phone.

It took me forever to find the name of the song, and even longer to find an unadulterated mp3.

I'm not going to tell anyone where I found it and I'm certainly not going to send anyone a copy.

Ha ha.

New decree:

From now on, you have to take an IQ test before you can receive any prescription drugs that can extend your life expectancy.

I have decided this because of one drug commercial:
"Crestor can lower your bad cholesterol up to 52%. That's about half!"

If you don't know that 52% is slightly more than half of something, you don't deserve to live!

Going insane looks like fun. I think I'll try it.

Just once, I'd like to see a movie where the end credits roll diagonally.

Why does Barney always steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles? Clearly, he can afford to buy Pebbles if he can afford all those ingenious costumes and disguises. And why is Fred so overprotective of his Pebbles supply? You'd think he'd just buy more rather than risk serious injury recovering the stolen Pebbles. Is there some kind of Fruity Pebbles shortage in Bedrock? That would be somewhat ironic, don't you think?

If I were a billionaire, the first thing I'd want is a butler like Alfred. Except evil. Supervillains never have helpful, loyal butlers. I'd like to be the supervillain who bucks that trend.

I think it would make a hell of a lot more sense for Batman to drive a nondescript car. Like a Ford Escort or a Geo Metro or a Chevette. Just trick it out like crazy under the hood and give it James Bond-type weapons. Criminals instinctively run from the Batmobile. They wouldn't run from the BatChevette until it was too late.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

So, another Democrap governor. Big whoop.

Here's an important point to ponder: I'm not going to bitch about it. In fact, I probably won't mention it again for four years. But if Jerry Kilgore had won, the libtards would be screaming bloody murder right now:
"The touch-screens were rigged!"
"Kilgore campaigned dirty!"
"Well... um... Halliburton! Neocons! Bush lied! So there! I'm not listening, na na na na na na!!!"

But I'm not going to say another word about Tim Kaine specifically, after I finish taking this latest cheap shot at demoncrats. I bet the majority of Virginia Republicans are going to be far more dignified about losing than any pussycrat.


On a related note, here's what I would do with ANWR if I was Dictator: Clear-cut any trees that might be sitting on top of oil, send in the Army to kill all the wildlife we missed when we cleared the land, and award Halliburton a contract to drill any damn place they want.

Anyone who protested this would be fed to bears. If they care so much about the damn dirty animals, let them step back into the food chain.


In fact, let's take all the vegans and release them in the African savannah with only a loincloth and a pointy stick.

We arrested this truth that we stopped for the art of the obvious:

I'm not a big fan of non-English-speakers, but sometimes foreign languages can be fun.

Specifically, cycling text to and from foreign languages until it is unrecognizable is a LOT of fun.

Sometimes you have to tweak the placement of commas and conjunctions, and sometimes you have to replace words with simpler synonyms to get the text to loop cleanly. But check out what happens when you feed the Declaration of Independence into Multibabel:

"If during the human cases it is to this person to decide to the policies of the sticky tapes that have repaired another one and under energies of the track of the different one and the same station it estimates to her this and to the laws of the nature of the God of nature's to the right that you have them, it has the necessity of an acceptable respect in the opinions of the humanity that would have that to explain the causes, of which they with starting off exert pressure on a.

We arrested this truth that we stopped for the art of the obvious, all such men are manufactured, they are equip of his creator of the certain intransferible the right paginations, under the buttock they are the duration, the freedom and the continuation of the wealth."

A Random Historical Observation

I wonder if the survivors of Nagasaki were even more pissed off when they found out that their city was a backup target.

First off, they get the second bomb, the one that could be arguably called gratuitous. Then, they only get bombed because Kokura has too much cloud cover.

If I had been a Nagasaki survivor, I would have gone on a serial arson spree in Kokura.