What an opportunity!

"DR.ABUDU AMUSU" wants me to help him claim "TWENTY FIVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THANSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS(US$25.5,000,000)ONLY BELONGING TO A JAPANESS INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS MAN MICHIKO SUGIMOTO WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS NEXT OF KIN IN THE SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001 WORLD TRADE CENTER, NEW YORK,AMERICA BOMBINGATTACK,LEAVING NO ONE BEHIND TO CLAIM THIS  SUM AS BENEFICIARYNEXT OF KIN OVER HERE IN LOME TOGO."

Poor Michiko. He and his next of kin died in the 9/11 BOMBINGATTACK. But given the large extended families the JAPANESS tend to have, wouldn't you think there's someone with a legal claim to that money? That doesn't seem to matter to Dr. Amusu. The slime.

Of course, he probably won't want my help now, since he says "PLEASE YOU HAVE BEEN ADVICED TO KEEP TOP SECRET AS WE ARE STILL IN SERVICE AND INTEND TO RETIRE FROM SERVICE AFTER WE CONCLUDE THIS DEAL WITH YOU."

Well I'd ADVICE him to go fuck himself. If I had the energy for it, I might string him along for a while. But not today.

The Peanut Butter Universe Theory, refined:

I was both wired and bored for most of the day Saturday, and I had a very long discussion with someone about my Peanut Butter Universe theory. We came to the conclusion that as soon as the PBU came into being, the peanut butter would immediately collapse under its own mass, creating a black hole. A Peanut Butter Singularity. So the only logical answer is for the PBU to exist as empty space full of numerous individual planetary masses of peanut butter. It would still eventually collapse, but it would take billions of years. Which would be plenty of time for us to mine it.
Does this make sense? If so, you may be as crazy as I am.

Continuous caffeine intake is good for the soul.

No it isn't.
Yes it is. What have I told you about speaking ill of the great god CAFFEINE?
Sorry! SORRY! We revere Caffeine, and its prophets Tea and Dew!
That's better.

Any-who...
Does anyone think it would be possible to take the music from the first Wily stage in Mega Man 2 (aka Skull Castle Courtyard) and put words to it?
If so, I want that to be my national anthem.

Damn, I'm having trouble typing. Which reminds me...

VotF: One day, we will create a program that is capable of recognizing speech so well that it can recognize grammar and pronunciation errors. We will then place this program in a module to be inserted at the base of every human's spine. When it detects a pattern of grammar or pronunciation errors (not a single slip of the tongue, but a chronic problem), it will electrocute the offender.
Unfortunately, some people probably won't survive this training process. Fortunately, by the time this is developed, President Bush will have long since retired.
And been replaced with none but Republican successors.

The next Demon-crat to take the White House will oversee the end of Western civilization. I have foreseen it.
Two possible futures.
In one, America comes to its senses, never elects another Democrap president, and we all prosper and survive. In another, a Demon-crat is elected some time after Dubya's second term, and his or her concessions to terrorist and communist regimes brings about the downfall of America, leading to a domino-effect collapse of all English-speaking nations, and about a decade later, the end of all animate life on earth.

Either way the future goes, though, it will be after GWB wins his second term.

YAVotF.

If there are truly an infinite number of universes, then at least one universe consists of an infinitely large tub of perfectly-sterile, perfectly-homogenized, indefinitely-preserved, peanut butter. I eagerly await the day when mankind breaches the wall between dimensions and mines this universe, thus ending world hunger and making PB&J even more cost-effective.

The Ten Demand-ments.

1. I am The Kip thy Kip, thou shalt have no other Kips before me.
2. Thou shalt make unto thee plenty of graven images of The Kip, but only from the neck up.
3. Thou shalt go right ahead and take the name of The Kip in vain: for there is no such thing as bad publicity.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, for it is The Kip's day off and he does not wish to be bothered.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother, but honor thy Kip just as much.
6. Thou shalt not kill The Kip. The Kip, on the other hand, may kill whom he pleases.
7. The Kip shalt commit adultery if he damn well pleases. The rest of you do so at your own risk.
8. Thou shalt not steal from The Kip. The Kip, well, see the Sixth Demandment.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy Kip. It really pisses him off.
10. Thou shalt covet whatever thou wish to covet, but if thou toucheth The Kip's stuff thy life is forfeit.

VotF

One day, America will develop the technology to create impenetrable forcefields. We will use these forcefields to surround countries we don't like, and turn them into giant terrariums for our pet foreigners. After we take all their oil, we will put these forcefields around Iran and Iraq but not between them, then we will re-arm them both and watch them fight like we did in the 80s. Occasionally, we'll lob a MOAB or a small nuke into the mix, like frying ants with a magnifying glass.

Sleep is overrated.

I just repeatedly slapped my head. I don't know why. But I realized how absurd it was right after I did it, and had a laughing fit.

If mankind discovers time travel, we will use it for incredibly trivial things. Like putting milk into a pocket of decelerated time to keep it from spoiling.

William Shatner should do another album.

Miss Cellany of the day.

Peanut butter M&Ms are so good I can't think of a good word to emphasize how good they are. "Stupefyingly good" would work, but I use that all the time, and they're better than that. Maybe "super-atomic-brain-meltingly good." The only thing that could possibly make them better is if they were caffeinated.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before or not, but our local police department has a minivan. I can't remember what kind; I think it's a Ford Windstar. What makes this stand out in my mind is that they patrol with it just like a regular car, and the other day I saw someone pulled over by it. How embarrassing must that be?

One of the guys at work has decided that I need two name tags. One that says "Evil Kip" and one that says "Good Kip." I can't believe I never thought of this myself.

I have decided that even if I knew enough people to justify a funeral procession down the Boulevard, I wouldn't want one. And if anyone organized one in my honor, I would come back in the most horrifying spectral or reincarnated form I could muster, I'm thinking here along the lines of Agrajag or worse, and haunt the organizer until he or she posted a full-page ad in both the Times-Dispatch and the Progress-Index apologizing for the inconvenience and offering reparations to anyone who could prove they had been delayed by the offending funereal convoy. And then after they did that, I'd kill them anyway.
I hate funeral convoys that much. More, even.

The day is coming...

One day, the political divisions in our society will bring it to the point of war.

The democraps will eventually win on the political battlefield, because they appeal to the lazy and stupid. There are too many lazy and stupid people for the country to survive on its present course.

So the real Americans, i.e. Republicans, will take arms against the demon-crats. And we will thrash them soundly. They will cower in fear of the handguns and "assault rifles" they tried so desperately to litigate away.

Alec Baldwin will be sent to Canada via catapult.

Michael Moore will be lipo-sucked until he is thin and then he will be boiled in his own fat.

Everyone who entered the country illegally in the last fifty years will be rounded up and made into slave laborers to repay the taxpayers for their freeloading.

Ronald Reagan will be on the ten dollar bill, the dollar coin, and Mount Rushmore. Further, he will have a 200-foot-tall statue erected in Arkansas, with the foot placed atop the ruins of Bill Clinton's birthplace. Just because we can.

We will build a statue of Jesus, and he will be mooning in the direction of Mecca. Terrorists will be hung and buried in the shadow of Our Lord's Ass.

We will resume above-ground nuclear testing just for fun.

We will drill for oil in the Alaskan wildlife preserves in such a way as to not disturb the ecosystem. We have the technology and the democraps of today know it. But once we do that, we'll disrupt the ecosystem on purpose with uncontrolled hunting and timber clearcutting, just because it's there, hippies!

Rob Reiner will be processed into fertilizer and spread over a field of Connecticut Broadleaf. (That's a kind of tobacco used for cigar wrappers.) And when we have killed or enslaved the last of the dirty hippies, we will celebrate by smoking the Rob Reiner Memorial cigars. And we will blow the smoke in the faces of our new liberal serfs.


I want badly to live in this future.

I have a new theory...

...about stupid people.

Sometime in the early 1960s, the Soviet Union attacked the US from space with an experimental weapon called the Stuponotron Ray. The intention was to turn the Americans into a mindless slave race ripe for conquest.
It didn't have the effect that they originally intended. Instead, based on certain factors already present in genetics and brain chemistry, it caused the people who were already stupid to speak more loudly and procreate faster.

We have the Stuponotron Ray to thank for everything that's wrong with modern America: retail customers, television, the Democratic Party, and other evils.