Interesting historical fact: Freud used cocaine, but he wasn't a cocaine addict. He was already a nicotine addict. He smoked 20 cigars a day, but lived to be 83.

Dr. Benjamin McLane Spock died in 1998, but not before fucking everyone right up the ass. "Don't spank your kids" he says. Fuck him. I hope he's burning in hell.

I love how the chunks in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream are nice and neatly contained, like little cookie embryos. Every bite is a chocolate chip cookie abortion.

The Vatican has a time machine!

I don't want to sell anything to a customer who "don't want no clock with no special batteries."
First time I've encountered someone with a fear of button cells.

TV says donuts are high in fat. Kazoo. Found a hobo in my room. It's Princess Leia, the yodel of life. Give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar.

I'm feeling rather kroxyldyphivc right now.
Why is it so hard for people to grasp the fact that we charge a convenience fee for Sprint PCS bill payments? It's a convenience fee. If you don't want to pay it, send your bill in the normal way. If Sprint won't LET you send your bill in the normal way, it's because you've gypped them or another cellular carrier before, and you're a scumbag. So, in essence, anyone who doesn't WANT to pay the $4 fee can suck my balls.

At least I have found some satisfaction in the fact that a lot of problems pass the timeframe within which they are my problem before the customer gets to me. Sprint payment issues? More than 14 minutes after you made the payment? Not my problem. Sprint rebate issues? More than 30 days from when you bought it? Not my problem. Sprint service issues? More than 14 days from when you bought it? It's still somewhat my problem, yes, but the fact that Sprint will charge you $150 for canceling isn't my problem, and pleases me to no end.

It's so much fun to screw with these little minds sometimes. "So if I have a problem with this Sprint rebate, I'm coming back here." "That's fine, sir. Have a nice day." The terms of the rebate say it can take up to 4 months. By that time, all I have to do is smile. Smile my fake "customer service" smile, the one with the cold, dead eyes to match. Nobody stands up to the cold, dead "customer service" glare once I decide they're not worthy to breathe.

I am just loving the hell out of eBooks. I have 146 megs worth and counting. Most of them (as in 99%) are copyrighted. Personally, I can see no moral reason not to download an ebook if a: the book has been out a few years, or b: the author is dead. And even when they don't meet criteria A or B, I can overlook the moral grounds because, hey, fuck 'em. They gotta learn to adapt sometime.

Why do I like beef jerky so much? Specifically, why do I like the sweet teriyaki varieties of beef jerky so much? Simple. I like the idea of combining meat and candy. I like the concept of meat as a snack.

I'm an anti-vegetarian. Last night, I had General Tso's chicken with a side order of ribs. Vegetables? Rice? What are these things?
My favorite Sunday dinner is steak, with a side of more steak. Green stuff is purely decorative, unless it's fried in animal fat, which is just the liquid essence of meat. MEAT!

I think Man was meant to eat anything that doesn't have natural defenses. Cows, good. Porcupines, bad. Pigs, good. Rhinoceros, bad. Whitefish, good. Blowfish, bad.
And the animals WITH natural defenses, well, they're not put on this earth for food, but for recreation.

I'm not going to go into a discussion of antenna physics with a retarded redneck. It hurts to sell them the replacement antenna rod that "looks the one that snapped offa [their] phone," but it would hurt even more to try to explain how antennas are matched for specific frequencies, and their antenna was probably a full-wave or half-wave antenna, with a specific length, and if they put the wrong one on it will overtax their RF circuitry and... NO. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent.

I feel like ordering out for some Canadian food. What? What do you mean there are no Canadian restaurants around here?

Well, I've had it for over a week with very few problems, so I can officially announce that I like my new car.

Now that I've said that, it can begin falling apart. That's what always happens.

1984 Chevrolet Chevette: Lifespan under my ownership: 3 months. Well tended, not overtaxed except for one time when I topped out the speedometer on 295. Once I get comfortable with it, it starts making an astonishing amount of noise and then one day refuses to start.
1986 Mercury Marquis: Lifespan under my ownership: 2 years. Never had any major problems except those common to old engines. Then when I get the idea in my head to refurbish it to prolong its life, it pisses all its oil out of the rear main seal on the trip down to my dad's shop for the second "refurbishing" session.
1980 Chevrolet Monte Carlo: Lifespan under my ownership: 5 1/2 months. God damn, what a lot of work we did to this thing. Brakes, tires, tune-up, camshaft&lifters, valve cover gaskets, water pump, timing set, vacuum system repair, fuel vapor recovery system rerouted, fuel lines replaced/rerouted, sound system refitted, and a hundred tiny things I can't think of right now. Then the carburetor dies, so I get it replaced. THEN it all goes to shit. It had to wait until RIGHT after I personally spent $250 on it to blow a head gasket.
1991 Plymouth Acclaim: Lifespan under my ownership: 10 days and counting.

Well, they were named the most reliable car in their class in 1991. And mine is the fourth one on my street alone. So who knows?

I hate that commercial where the girl says "I'm more than just beautiful teeth." I always want to shout "Well yeah, you've got decent tits, too."

OK, which is worse, being in a Costa Rican jail or being eaten by a crocodile?

I think we've crested the hill of human intelligence. It's all downhill from here.

I had a customer today ask for a "2 by 4 mega-hurt" phone.

Every day I'm one step closer to losing it. My bedroom window is only the first casualty.

"Smashy-smashy!" - Bart Simpson
"I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it." - Dave Foley

My grandfather came home from the hospital today. They sent him home because he was faking. After they dropped him off he announced his intention to continue faking.
I then knocked over my bookcase, grabbed one of the shelves that fell out, knocked several holes in the wall with the shelf, then threw the shelf through the window.
Then I drove to Waverly (or maybe Windsor or Wakefield. One of the W towns on 460 anyway.) and back, a round trip of about 110 miles. Without stopping.

The logic kicked back in when I realized I only had a quarter tank of gas and $1.19 in my pocket. I wish they'd sent him back a day later. Then I would have money, and theoretically wouldn't have to stop until I was out of the state and totally lost.

This message was written entirely with escape characters, because I'm bored.

The world needs more milkmen.

My new goal in life: to destroy at least one of the following works of art in the listed manner:

Mona Lisa: cut out enigmatic smile, burn cut portion, replace with picture of Pamela Anderson's lips sucking Tommy Lee.
Michelangelo's David: Grind into powder, use powder in concrete mix, make concrete mold of naked woman.
American Gothic: Replace both man and woman with naked women. Replace pitchfork with vibrator. Relabel as "Lesbian Gothic".
Starry Night: Paint picture of USS Enterprise in sky.
Whistler's Mother: Liberally apply "crack whore" makeup motif.

Think of the thing you hate most in the world. Then think of the thing you hate the second most. Now add them together. Now triple it. I hate foreigners more than that.

As far as I'm concerned, not speaking English as your primary language instantly makes you a retard if you're in the USA. If you can't speak the language as fluently as a native, you should not reside here.

And you should be a subject of American rule. Damned pansy politicians refuse to wage a decent war.

A frank and shocking admission: I actually like Livin La Vida Loca. 99.98% of Ricky Martin's stuff is crap, but I like La Vida Loca. Liked it since it came out. There, I said it.

I'm going to build a wide-band RF Burst device and install it in my car. Then whenever I see someone talking on a cell phone in their car, I'll turn it on. Then when they redial I'll make a sudden traffic move or honk at them.

Hopefully in this manner I can maim or kill an asshole or two and the world will be a better place.

Of course, this is assuming I don't decide to go ahead and build the Cancer Cannon first. I wonder how many people remember that idea.

"I don't need to run your credit check on the computer, I can read your credit results from the mystical ether, for I am KREDITAR, KNOWER OF DEPOSITS!"

They never name cities after people anymore. They used to do that. Now all the cities are named. All you get now is a street.

Therefore, we need to start building more cities. I'll name a street after you when I get my city.

I think I'll post like this from now on.
This doesn't work in Mozilla.

Words Worth Repeating:
"I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."
- George Carlin

I wonder if Batman could have gotten away with having a newspaper delivered to the Batcave? I mean, not necessarily to the cave itself, but to the "Road Closed" sign outside. As long as he always mailed his bill in on time, and attached an envelope with a nice tip in it to the sign every Christmas, I don't think any paperboy would ask too many questions.

How many times do I have to say I DON'T KNOW before someone will stop asking me stupid questions? How many little old ladies can possibly come into a store in one day? Why aren't people required to get a license to buy technology?

I had to run to the back and hide in a corner for a few minutes today. I just wanted so badly to choke this little old lady with the wire she was returning and smash her vacuous skull with the incredibly simple piece of security equipment she kept asking stupid questions about. After the 8th time I said I DON'T KNOW, I said "Excuse me," ran to the back, and hid behind the rolling stock shelves with my fingers in my ears.


I have no money. I make no money. I hate my customers. I hate my cow-orkers. I hate the crap I'm required to sell. I hate my lawn. I hate my cat. My car just died.

That was the breaking point. When my car died yesterday. As if the universe was wondering, "is THIS the straw to break the camel's back?" It might have been. I'm having trouble typing coherently. I'm giggling at inappropriate times, flying into violent rages at others, and THAT GOD DAMNED DOORBELL IS GOING TO RING ONE TOO MANY TIMES and I'm going to get unpleasant.

You know how when you hold your index fingers in front of your eyes, and you see that little hot-dog looking thing? That's how close I am to a nervous breakdown. One hot dog looking optical illusion thing away.

I almost said NI! to a customer just a minute ago.

I don't feel like wearing shoes.

My GOD, how I hate Mexicans.

No, I take that back. I still only hate stupid people. Not any one specific ethnic group.

Now name one great Mexican scientist.

I rest my case.

I hate funeral processions. They suck. They SUCK!

I understand that certain backward cultures have an odd obsession with honoring their dead. Personally, I say burn 'em and forget 'em, but the Constitution says they have a right to their stupid religion.

But, DAMMIT, the needs of the living take precedence over the dead, and living people have places to go and schedules to keep!

Especially in Petersburg. Their roads already suck ass, and they don't have cops to spare. Yet I was delayed by a funeral procession about a mile long, with 3 cops at the front and 1 at the back. In a city where there's a drug deal on every fucking street.

John Williams wrote the Imperial March sometime in or around 1979-1980 (one can assume, since TESB was released in 1980). Since then it has become a virtually ubiquitous theme for evil of all kinds, used in TV and movies of all types, most notably (to me, anyway) for Mr. Burns in The Simpsons on at least 3 occasions.

Further, it has been incorporated into many Star Wars compositions since. It was nicely expanded upon for the TIE Fighter series of computer games, and included in Anakin's Theme from Episode 1. Even the Love Theme from Episode 2 ties into it in a very audible way.

The Imperial March alone is a franchise unto itself.

And it all started when an old bald geek thought "hmm... how about... bum-bum-bum BUM-BA-BUM! BUM-BA-BUM!"

Can somebody please point me to someplace I can get hard numbers on how many murders go completely and totally unsolved? And how those murders were theoretically supposed to have been perpetrated? It's all purely for curiosity I assure you.


Is "assload" a technical term? Yes. It is now. Because I said so. I plan to use it at work. Let's see... X volts times Y amps... that would be about an assload of watts. This adapter for $89.99 only does a half-assload of watts at those figures. You need the 2-assload regulated adapter for $119.99.

How much hate is a normal level? I have such seething hatred for all humanity that I'm beginning to think there might be something wrong. In fact, I'm beginning to think maybe I've had a problem for some time now.

I went in the back to take a break, and I grabbed a 4-foot copper grounding rod, and I started sharpening it. I carry a multi-tool, which has an all-purpose file, and I started sharpening a ground rod. I don't know why, and I was barely cognizant of the fact that I was doing it until the next time the door chime went off.

Well, my manager's gone 13 years without maiming or killing anyone. And I never shot anyone back when I owned a gun. Maybe this too shall pass.

But the idea of driving a metal spike through a customer's empty skull is so beautiful. So honestly, genuinely appealing...