Title Goes Here

Would there be anything genuinely immoral about setting the Sprint Store on fire? Only stupid or evil people work there. It's sort of like Sodom. If there was one good man, it could be spared. But there isn't. The Sprint Store is Malabolgia with flashier merchandising.

Today is the first Leap Day since I started my current job. It's also the first Leap Day of this Blog.

Here's my latest theory about the Enterprise timeline. I think it's the fifth one I've had:
Suliban Future Guy is actually Jonathan Archer from 2180 in the original Trek timeline. He went a little crazy after the Romulan War, and used time-travel equipment stolen from someone from the real 31st century to manipulate the Suliban, the Humans, the Vulcans, and the Romulans into creating a timeline that he thinks is "better."
Hey! It's no crazier than anything the Official Franchise-Destroying Psychos can come up with.

10:04 PM

Profundity and Stuff

I had an incredibly profound thought right before I fell asleep last night. Now I can't remember what it was. I'm kind of pissed about it.

For some reason today I was struck by the urge to take a wildly complicated path to work. I felt it was necessary to discourage pursuit. I don't know why.

I'm considering posting a page of all the cellular phone content I've created or customized. But on the other hand, I like having stuff nobody else has.

6:14 PM

Dealing with idiots is against my religion.

As a "lapsed baptist" or "semichristian," I think I could make a good argument that helping stupid people is against my religion. Then I could refuse to help people, and if they tried to fire me for it, CHA-CHING! Wrongful termination suit!

God hates stupid people:

"The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity."
Psalms 5:5

"Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding."
Proverbs 9:6

"A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother."
Proverbs 10:1

"Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge."
Proverbs 14:7

"A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him."
Proverbs 17:25

7:32 PM

My dad's dog has graying hair.

Every effing time I go to VABeach, something bad happens in the vehicular category.
This time the water pump in the Bird exploded. I don't mean literally, though that would be cool. I just mean it decided to vomit antifreeze all down 460. I was none the wiser, because my reserve tank stayed full. Turns out that was borken too.
Borken is so a real word.
I didn't think it wise to open the cap, since I have permanent discoloration on my chest from the last time I did that.
Anyway, it comes in handy to have an ASE-certified mechanic in the family. New water pump installed in 1 hour 32 minutes. Not counting the trip to get parts.
I feel bad that every time I visit my dad, he ends up working on my car for free. But I'm poor. Impecunious, even.

Anyway, of all the animals my family has ever owned, my favorite is Cheech. The original "catdog," a half-chihuahua half-whothehellknows dog the size of a cat.
Cheech is also female. Named after a male mexican comedian. But I digress. The point is, Cheech is at least 14 human years old. That's like 98 dog years.
And her face was once brown and black. Now it's white and tan. She's so fricking old, she has white hair.



Random Republican Tangent Time:
What was it Billary was saying about a right-wing conspiracy?
"In any case, nobody would be too shocked if Kerry lied about an affair. Even if someone came to us with photographs we still wouldn't run it." -- Glenn Frankel, Washington Post London correspondent.

7:54 PM

OK, I clearly didn't get drunk enough today, since I'm having no trouble typing. Maybe next time.

7:00 PM

Is wanting to set people on fire more or less healthy than wanting to stab them in the eyes?

7:36 PM

I am god of the sea people.

Evil World Domination Idea Number 3:
After conquering the planet, I shall name it after myself. This will work well with the dominant religion being Kipism. And I shall also force all references to the word "human" to be changed to "Kipian."
I shall remain "THE Kip."
After a few centuries of my benevolent rule (since obviously I plan to become immortal like Ronald Reagan), the entire galaxy will identify us as Kipians, from planet Kip.
Thus even if I should somehow die, or decide to quit, my reign will be forever remembered.


I need a drink. I just realized I haven't gone out drinking since I got the ability to blog wirelessly. This must be corrected.

6:22 PM

Society Improvement Plan Number 227-G

In order to be allowed to drive, people should have to take a test. Written by me, and administered by a former Nazi war criminal.

If you choose to take the test and fail, you are executed immediately.
If you pass, but your personality profile is wrong, you get to live, and you even get to drive, but you get a government-issued car. A Yugo. Painted yellow with teal stripes. With most of the few existing safety features removed, so it crumples like a tin can.
If you pass, and you have a proper driving personality, then you get the same privileges you already have in the current system -- PLUS you get to treat the yellow Yugo people like crap, and even hit them if you need to. Or want to.

11:17 AM

Technology is a wondrous thing. Every time I get an IM or SMS on my phone, it bellows "Stiny! Get me a danish!"

1:38 PM

On Leadership...

One hears the phrase "lead, follow, or get out of the way" on a fairly regular basis. But who the hell originally said it? I've seen it attributed to Thomas Paine, Julius Caesar, Lee Iacocca, General George Patton, and Dale Earnhardt. I tend to think it was Thomas Paine. I like him.
Better than Dale Earnhardt, anyway. I wish NASCAR had more fatal accidents.


Anyway, whenever I drive on the highway, I have leadership thrust upon me. People deliberately wedge in behind my car.
This is because I'm still driving the Firebird.
It took me a while to figure out why people do this. But I finally realized, it's because they expect me to speed. They want to get behind me so I can run interference for the radar. They invariably get very mad when I refuse to go more than 5 MPH over the limit.
Is it my fault they want to break the law? I think not.

I think it would be exceptionally cool for the State Police to buy a few random muscle cars and run down random highways doing about 10 over. Then they wait for someone to slip in behind them, and radio ahead to a well-hidden marked cruiser.

6:15 PM

The GOP's Secret Weapon

The Democrats have no hope in this presidential election. Nor have they had any real hope for many years. Because the Republicans have a secret weapon. A force so powerful, none can resist.
I'm referring of course to Ronald Reagan.
You laugh. But I'm serious.
The Ronald Reagan that the public knows about is a decaying, mindless old man. This is a decoy.
The Reagan the public sees appears mindless only because it IS mindless. A clone.

The real Ronald Reagan has been carefully preserved, and enhanced. He's a cyborg.

Behold, Ronaldtron 3000!
(Artist's Rendition)



As you can see in this diagram, very little of Reagan's aged body was saved. Here's a rundown of the major components.
A: Mental Enhancement Interface -- This device accelerates brain function and promotes Right thinking.
B: Ronald Reagan's Head -- The complete head of Ronald Reagan, with permanently perfect makeup and jet-black hair.
C: Life-Support Connectors -- These tubes run around, into, and through all of Ronaldtron's remaining biological components. These life support systems are also the basis for the artificial organs currently keeping Dick Cheney alive.
D: Fully-Articulated Artificial Torso and Arms -- Built by a team of the finest robotics experts in America, this mechanical wonder is virtually indestructible and can easily rip a man in half.
E: Original Human Genitalia -- Reagan's original male organs were preserved and are in fact fully functional. Because men without balls tend to become Democraps.
F: Original Human Hands -- A concession to sentimentality, Reagan retains his original hands and a functional sense of touch. Ronaldtron is a "kinder, gentler" cyborg, a cyborg who believes in "compassionate conservatism."
G: Instead of a clunky, clumsy bipedal design, Ronaldtron uses a wheeled locomotion system based on Segway® technology.

A masterpiece of modern technology, the Ronaldtron 3000 has been running the country for some time. Demon-crats, just give up now.

8:06 PM

I didn't watch the Stupid Bowl. Bite me.

I ignored the Super Bowl again this year, as I have ignored all sports for the better part of my life. Sports only get my attention when they preempt real television programming.


On a totally unrelated note, I remain the King of the Road.
Every once in a while, I do something that causes me to be insufferably pleased with myself.
And every once in a while, I'm glad to have a father who actually taught me how to fix things my own damn self.
Today fits both of those classifications.

The tires on the Bird have an unnatural tendency to pick up nails and occasionally screws. Where do these things come from? And statistically speaking, how come I end up getting so many?
ANYway, it was beyond the ability of "Fix-A-Flat" to repair. So I was grounded until I got the supplies to fix it. But fix it I did.

That's where it comes in handy to have an ASE-certified mechanic for a father. I know how to use that odd-looking tire patching kit you see at every convenience store. I'll post pictures of that later if you don't know what I'm talking about.

I CAN'T post pictures of the repair. Why? Because it's on one of the outer grooves of the tread facing the INSIDE of the car. That's where the "insufferably pleased" part comes in. I couldn't see most of what I was doing. But the patch holds.

Now I just need to learn to drive blind, and I'll be golden.

4:04 PM