Bits and pizzas.

That title makes as much sense as anything else floating around in my brain...

You know those things they use to pick lottery numbers, that blow the numbered ping-pong balls around like a popcorn popper? I think my brain works like that.

I think my greatest regret is that I've never done anything that could be replayed in slow motion to classical accompaniment.

A brilliant idea for a car security system: Windshield wipers that come on automatically whenever they're touched and the ignition is off. Also, they should spray wiper fluid in all directions. That will deter those assholes who stick fliers on your car in the parking lot.
I never touch those with my hands. I use my Leatherman pliers to yank them off and drop them on the ground.

What's a good term for a law student other than "law student?"
"Proto-lawyer?" "Lawyer to be?" "Lawyer embryo?" "Satan Junior?"

Arby's "beef" is the Pringles of meat.

6:51 PM

"Mangle" is a fun word.

We just had a mass "decommissioning" of cellular accessories. We got orders to "scrap" them and then write them off.

"It's a write-off for them."
"How is it a write-off?"
"They just write it off."
"Write it off what?"
"Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
"You don't even know what a write-off is."
"Do you?"
"No, I don't."
"But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
"I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Package"

Anyway, in retail parlance, to "scrap" something means to render it useless and throw it away. The logic in rendering it useless is to prevent anyone from taking it from our dumpster and trying to return it, or worse, using it, thus depriving us of a sale of a similar item.

Now, our leather phone cases don't suck. I've been using them on my own personal cell phones for 3 years now. And last night I got to mangle no less than sixteen of them.
Mangle mangle mangle, I love the word "mangle."
Just whip out the trusty Leatherman and hack away... it's like re-killing the poor cows.

I also got to cut the cables on antenna adapters and snap Nokia faceplates in half, but that's not the same kind of mangling.

11:16 AM

Baby be-logger in the deep blue sea.

Never mind.


The world would be a better place if the following thing happened:

Every door on every store should be modified to admit one person at a time only. Then the doors should have locks installed on them that require you to be intelligent AND follow directions.

The door should have a keypad lock and an LCD. The directions posted to the side would read thusly:

1. Press green button.
2. Solve randomly selected math problem displayed over keypad. A whiteboard is posted to the left side of the keypad for your convenience.
3. Enter solution using keypad.
4. Press green and red buttons simultaneously.
5. Pull door open within five seconds.

Anyone unable to follow these directions would not be permitted to enter. And this would apply to every store in the world. Including grocery stores.

Stupid people would be extinct within a month.

11:49 AM

Hmm...

Yet another version of the Blogger interface. I should change my template every time they change the posting system.
No, then you'd never know where you were.


Tomorrow is inventory day! Yay! We should do inventory every week!
Shoot me now.


I love changing the ringers on my phone. Every time I get an SMS or AIM message it now shouts "Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!"
I have yet to have anyone comment on it.


New word of the day:
uberization. The conversion of a person or thing into a perfected version of itself, better than any other similar person or thing. Usually involves a cool special effect, and results in the creation, intentional or not, of an unstoppable war or killing machine.
Common usage: The Starship Voyager got uberized in the final episode of the series.

8:41 PM

Thinking of titles for these is getting difficult.

The Devil Jeep® will be back in action in a few days. It WASN'T my fault after all.
When it comes right down to it, though, I like that monstrosity.


Customer... Cussed tumor.


My cable has been out for days. I feel the need to disembowel someone with a spork.
(I wonder ho many of the things I've said have never been said before. Probably a healthy percentage. A healthy percentage of the unhealthy things.)


So how many of the people out there in blog-land (all, what, four of you?) have read any of the Dark Tower books by Stephen King? Aren't they just the most fucked up books ever? It takes a lot to mess with The Kip's mind, and these books are doing it. Of course, I don't think you're supposed to read all four of them in a single week.
Still, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has some pretty skewed views on the nature of the universes. That's plural on purpose.


I leave you with a joke from the Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary: "A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar... and that's just the first guy."

5:15 PM

Joy of driving

I have recently rediscovered the joy of driving. I finally broke down and told Mom about the Jeep's stubborn refusal to go backward, so she put it in the shop that rebuilt the transmission 30,000 miles ago.

And in the meantime, I'm driving my stepdad's car. Now, he's old. Like, older than dirt. He bought his midlife crisis car in 1992 and he still owns it.

And it's my dream car. A Pontiac Firebird, the last really good year. Before they turned it into a carbon copy of every other pointy-sporty-usually-painted-red car in America.

I have to restrain myself again. The Jeep makes me drive like an old lady. The Firebird makes me want to switch on the Oscillation Overthruster and plow into a mountainside.

If you haven't seen Buckaroo Banzai, you won't get that. And you suck.

5:04 PM

Untitled weirdness.

I think if we ever need to build a giant planet-destroying ray gun, and we build it on the surface of the earth, we should build it in Canada, just for the sake of irony. Or, if the ray gun is small enough, Switzerland.

I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. I have to interact with people as if I actually wouldn't rather set them on fire and drive tent stakes into their eye sockets.

I still think it would be tons of fun to cover monkeys in burning napalm and then parachute them into the jungle.

In relative terms, it's 9 PM for me right now. I had to come to work three hours early. So I'll be going home at Relative Midnight. I love dealing with time as an abstract. People still get annoyed when I tell them "good morning" at 2 PM, but when you wake up at noon, it still IS morning.

I think the Catholic Church should make a handicapped black lesbian the next Pope. Or a mentally retarded Asian necrophile. Or an albino midget with Tourette's. All in the name of diversity.

Every time a repo man is killed, an angel gets its wings. Every time a repo man is crippled and left useless and hopefully in lifelong pain, TEN angels get their wings.

6:14 PM