Evil delayed is evil denied. And that sucks.

I just lost a half hour. How embarrassing. I don't know where I put it, and it's impossible to get it back. You can't attach one of those little keyring beepers to a chunk of your time, so if you lose it you can just whistle and find it again.

I have finally learned how to say "no," "I don't know," and "look it up" to a certain cow-orker of mine. I won't name him here, but if he reads this, he'll know who he is.
I quit wearing my phony ass-man (assistant manager) name tag, and I refuse to be anyone's little problem-solving bitch anymore. I'm curious as to what the long-term consequences of this decision will be.

7:41 PM

Well running dry...

All my new ideas are just revisions and extrapolations on my old ideas. I've reached the point where my brain can no longer formulate new things to rant about.

Or maybe not.

Somebody should invent nasal electrolysis. Have I mentioned this before?

I should take up a creative hobby, like model building, or serial killing.

7:34 PM

I really am getting old.

I have reached the point in my life when hair becomes a prominent feature of my nose.
This is not a good thing.
Especially since I refuse to purchase something as frivolous and possibly dangerous as a "nose hair trimmer."
Fortunately, I own a set of steel surgical forceps. And a vocabulary of English, foreign, fictional, and self-invented profanity to utter after removing aforementioned hair using aforementioned forceps.


Ah, the price one pays for vanity.

3:22 PM

Political Correctness Be Damned.

So last night The Kip gets a case of the midnight munchies. I head out to VII-XI, and on the way out, a Mercedes pulls in.
A ricer Mercedes. I had no idea such a thing could exist.
Out pops an African-American male, mid-20s, t-shirt, bandanna on head, smoking even as he leaves the car.
He immediately heads for the pay phone. Out of a Mercedes, to a pay phone.

I can't think of any explanations for this event that wouldn't be "politically incorrect."

My immediate thought is that he must be a pimp or a drug dealer. Or he stole the car. I can't wrap my mind around any other explanation based on his actions and his mode of dress.

Is that racist? Frankly, I don't think so. I mean, sure, he COULD be a 25-year-old lawyer, or a pro-athlete (but in Colonial Heights???), but the pessimistic explanation simply seems most likely.

11:50 AM

Why aren't I dead?

I love the hell out of driving. Because I put the Fear of Kip into people. I never do anything, ANYTHING, that isn't legal on the road. But I also don't afford anyone any unnecessary courtesy. I maintain a constant speed, usually just at or below the limit, so if you try to pull in front of me you'd better be damn sure you can pull it off because I am NOT slowing down for you. An old lady discovered that this morning as she was making a right turn on red and had to swerve into the shoulder.
Handicapped plates don't mean shit to me, because I could get them if I felt like it, so suck it up and learn to drive!

I wake up every morning and ask myself, "why aren't I dead yet?"
I know this is a bit of an unpleasant outlook on life, but beneath the veneer of the jolly fat man, I am an unpleasant person. Because I know if my life had zigged instead of zagged a few times, I could be an Evil Genius.
Maybe I'm just having one of those twentysomething angst phases. Or maybe, given my genetic predispositions, I'm having a midlife crisis.

I became a Republican because my mother is a Democrap. I stayed a Republican because I have a mostly functional cerebrum. (That's the big part of the brain, for all you not-exactly-rocket-scientists.)

I could qualify for disability and suck on the public teat if I really wanted to, but I object to that idea on principle. Usually. Lately, I've just been pondering giving up entirely. Because I'm always in some kind of pain. Like an old person.
I respect old people's tolerance for pain. I think an old person who doesn't complain is one of the rarest and most precious types of people.

6:34 PM

Un-health.

There's nothing quite like the energy I get when I do a major project at work.

Of course, there's also nothing quite like the headache, dizziness, and blurred vision I have right now.
And my left leg was numb there for a few minutes.

Maybe this is a bad thing.

8:44 PM

Smite!

I just had a thought... If God is just a little bit pissed at you, can He do things slightly less drastic than smiting? Like, could God give you a headache, or an itch just barely out of reach?

I'm pretty sure He can.

2:51 PM

Random boredom.

I'm getting dizzy every time my head makes a sudden move. And last time I bent over to pick something up, I felt like my brain was going to gush out from my eyes and ears. Maybe it has something to do with all the caffeine.
NO! Don't ever talk about caffeine like that! Dammit, caffeine is your god, and you will revere him until the day he chooses to grace you with a divine embolism!

I only took one shower yesterday. That's not normal for me. But at least I got to do my laundry for free. Sometimes parents are quite handy things to have around.

8:04 PM

Hate hate hate...

It's so much fun when customers talk in circles and try to trap you. Because I'm smart enough to beat them every time. So are most of the other people who work here. Asking the same question 6 times with different wording is going to get you the same answer 6 times probably with the same wording. We're on to you. Give it up.

And even if you do catch us off guard, there's a little loophole we have called the LAW. See, nobody is obligated to sell anything to anyone. IF we want to sell it to you, then we'd be obligated to honor the tag price. But we can just decide to pull the product, correct the signage, and then put it back. Fuck you.

7:48 PM

Preponderance of Pondering...

I want to know the actual percentage of the American female population that has appeared in some pornographic medium. I saw a woman in here last night who I am absolutely certain I have seen engaging in lesbian activities on film.

What is it about lesbians that the average American male finds so damn fascinating? I think there should be a scientific study on this subject. Anyone want to give me a grant?

I don't know the actual numbers on this whole Powerball craze, but just idly speculating... If you won 75 million dollars after tax in one lump sum, what the hell would you do? I, of course, have been giving this intensive thought for most of my life. I would use the money to set myself up comfortably in some place nobody would ever think to look for me, like Canada, I would invest the money wisely, and then I would use my earnings to affect change upon the world. What's the going rate for assassinations?
And obviously I would hire many concubines. That's the point of wealth and power, is it not?

6:16 PM

Hmmmmmmm....

Never use Sprite to wash down Tums. I just learned this last night. It was kind of cool, actually.

Today's word of the day is: impecunious. Habitually without money. As used in a sentence: Many retail employees are sadly impecunious.

I am occasionally asked what religion I am. My stock answer is that I'm a Kipist. That's an autotheistic and autodeistic religion in which everything I say is law and I am a god and worship myself. But actually, I'd probably have to describe myself as more of a "lapsed Baptist."

9:23 AM

Phantoms

Is there a brain disorder that causes you to taste things you haven't eaten in months? I brush my teeth almost as often as I shower, and I take an unhealthy number of too-long, too-hot showers.
(I recently learned you can get heat exhaustion in the shower. That was fun. But "not germane to the topic," as one of my ancient teachers would say.)
Anyway... I brush my teeth on a regular basis, yet I find myself having phantom flavors stuck in my brain. Like one day last week, I had a flavor figuratively on the tip of my tongue, and it took me hours to figure out that it was strawberry ice cream. Last night it was barbecue potato chips. I have eaten neither of these things in weeks.

So HOW crazy am I?

6:43 PM

Trickle of Musings...

July 4 must be one of the best days of the year to shoot someone. Other good days are New Year's Eve and Chinese New Year.


I think the next logical step in cosmetic surgery is the installation of additional breasts. Like that chick in Total Recall, only for real. Well, not "real" but in real life.

5:59 PM