Compare and contrast:

US Army recruiting strategy: We pay you a living wage, house and feed you, give you usable skills, pay you a pension if you stay with us long enough, pay you to go to school when you're finished with us, send you to faraway lands you'd never visit without us paying the tab.

Iraqi Army recruiting strategy: We threaten to kill your family unless you strap a bomb to your chest and pretend to surrender to the Americans.


There's evil, and then there's EVIL.

(Not to be confused with Evil®.)

9:17 PM

We fear change.

People act as if I wouldn't gladly take a pill that would correct the problems in my brain... I should just kill those people.


The Hat of Fate says... free... monkeys... for... everyone in... Detroit!

7:16 PM

Today's drawing from The Hat of Fate... "Turn the Eiffel Tower into a giant microwave antenna to cook the entire city of Paris." Ooh, sorry, Paris. But don't forget that any drawing from The Hat of Fate could win entire populations FABULOUS PRIZES!

"THE FLYER HAS A CUTE KITTEN DRAWN ON IT! IT REPRESENTS VIOLENCE AND CARNAGE"

10:48 AM

The Hat of Fate.

I have decided that I will take all the ideas I have about what to do TO the people of Earth if I ever come to rule it, and I will write them all on slips of paper, and I will put them in a hat.

Then, when I'm feeling bored, I will hold a press conference from my Fortress of Doom in New Zealand (I have decided that New Zealand will be my seat of power), and I will pick a slip from the hat.

I will call it The Hat of Fate. Its dictates will be utterly absurd, and they will be acted upon with unnatural haste, and everyone will feel their wrath.

The actions drawn from The Hat of Fate could be anything from "Kill everyone born on XX/XX/XXXX" to "Give everyone on Earth a cookie."

You will come to love and fear The Hat of Fate.

8:46 PM

What the f...?

I just met the gayest delivery driver I've ever seen. He thinks I look like Michael Moore.

He must die.

10:21 AM

Human shields=Target Practice

I wonder how many human shields have been hit so far.

Probably none. I bet as soon as we set the 48 hour deadline they all ran back to Kuwait and then flew home to apologize to their rich daddies and pretend like it never happened.

And the ones that stayed past that probably left after the first Tomahawk.

But if there are any left, I think the troops should specifically aim for them when we march on Baghdad. And any that survive should be arrested and executed for treason. On TV. By burning at the stake.

3:44 PM

Eyes opened...

All this time I thought my workplace was an environment of trust and respect. And I was also under the impression that tattling on people went out of style around 5th grade. Apparently I was wrong on both counts.

At least I know I no longer need to feel obligated to help certain cow-orkers with anything. At all. Ever.

And I need to remember to call my mother and thank her for her genes. Being a sociopath is genetic, after all. Having a limited range of actual feelings is very useful.

8:24 PM

Happy belated birthday...

...to me. I figured out why I'm so much more excited about Iraq than Afghanistan. Because the first Iraq war started on my tenth birthday. And they never finished it. It would be like getting half of a G.I. Joe playset, or your dad building you half a treehouse.

So this war is a birthday present.

And according to CNN, we're actually using MOABs! A conventional bomb with a mushroom cloud!


But is anyone else bothered by the fact that our forces are being led by a guy named "Tommy"???

5:29 PM

Nobody's PURE evil...

As cool as that would be, there is no such thing as a purely evil human being. Because to be purely evil, everything you did would have to be evil. Some things are, at worst, neutral. Like you can't go to the evil bathroom and take an evil crap. It just doesn't work.

And a purely evil person wouldn't run across the store to hold the door for an old lady. Which I just did. So there.

10:39 AM

1... 2... TEN!

We should invade Iraq at least twelve hours earlier than the so-called "deadline."

And we should drop a few MOABs on Paris. Just because.

Actually, I conceived a plan for invading France a few years ago. I probably still have it packed up somewhere. The basic core of the plan is to cut off their supply of imported tobacco and then invade the wine-producing regions first.

10:26 AM

When will people learn....

I wish the idiots who come into my store would read my web page. Then I could say...
"ATTENTION IDIOTS: THE PEOPLE WHO DESIGNED 'THE SYSTEM' ARE SMARTER THAN YOU. THERE IS NO WAY TO 'GET AROUND'."


Have you ever awakened to semi-consciousness and had your dreams affected by ambient sounds? My cell phone's "low battery" alert went off at 4 this morning, and when I went back to sleep a few seconds later, it was suddenly all about clocks and birds.
I want to harness this phenomenon. So my new plan is to set my computer to play some porn sounds on a random timer while I sleep.

Also, I'm -> <- this close to setting people on fire. "Oust" and an "Aim Flame." That's all it takes.

6:43 PM

Inspiration, Perspiration, and Medication.

I have finally wrung all the niceness out of my medicated brain. Stimulants now make me cheerful and MORE evil.

I have come to the conclusion that stupid people shouldn't have nice things. I need to find some way to protect the world from my customers.

"I'm leaving! "
"But I haven't set you on fire yet!"
-- Exchange between a customer and the almighty Gord.


My left pinky is going numb at odd times. Maybe I'll die soon. Hoorj!


I've come up with the ultimate business idea. Take the standard gas-convenience-deli type store like Sheetz or Wawa or Rennies+Subway or Exxon+Burger King, and add a porn section. You'd make billions.

That, or invent the remote-electrocution-by-phone device. The person who invents that will make more money than currently exists on Earth.


So the US ships have sailed from the Med to the Red Sea. The MOABs are being displayed. We're dropping leaflets on Iraqi AA batteries. The control center in Qatar just put the finishing touches on their press room.
But if Saddam proves he's disarmed and steps down as dictator, we won't invade. Of course not.

Fuck that. We need a good war. We should turn Iraq into a flat sheet of glass even if Saddam commits suicide on television.

8:24 PM

Updates...

I haven't posted in days, and I honestly don't know why...

So what do you call an Andy Simpson at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
(In less facetious terms, congratulations to A. David Simpson, Esquire. "Gentlemen, to evil!")

I want a bumper sticker that says "Give war a chance!"

If you know any people who live in plastic bubbles who want to commit suicide, send them to my store. The dust in here was just astonishing. 14 "Grab-It"s worth and we're still not totally done.

"Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. BOB DOLE!"

2:29 PM

Serenity now!

If it weren't for the classical music channel on DirecTV, I think I'd start spearing people with a grounding rod. I call it the "Serenity NOW!" music.

12:13 PM

Recipe for fun!

"Oust" air freshener + "Aim Flame" butane lighter = FUN!

2:39 PM

Hitler got a bum rap!

Every other customer I see is a self-contained argument for eugenics.

7:52 PM