I'm going to kill my cat. Then I'm going to clone it and kill it again.

9:55 PM

You know, if things keep up the way they're going, there will end up being only two of everything in major product categories. We'll have cellular service available through US-All-Veri-Sprin-Tel or ATT-CinguVoice, using phones from Noki-Rola or Qual-Sung. We will then hook them up to our nvAMViaPack or InSisATImachines laptops.

9:14 PM

MacGyver, selling phone cards.

Dammit, if MacGyver ever needed to make a long distance phone call, he'd bill it to the Phoenix Foundation. And if he couldn't do that, he'd whip out his Swiss Army Knife and duct tape (because whenever he has room to carry it, he has a roll of duct tape) and he'd acquire an appropriate open line.

8:46 PM

Good lord, with all the stimulants I'm on I think I'm going to have to take some of my grandfather's Xanax. My fingers are trying to go faster than I can think. I wish people could be cryogenically frozen like they can do in movies. I think it will take about 10 years to exterminate the various bugs inflaming my head. Sadly, I think humanity only has about a 50% chance of lasting 10 more years.

At least I finally made myself impervious to an attack on the root nameservers. Ah, how I long for the good old days. Back when geeks were real geeks and AOLers were confined to AOL and a brain in a jar reigned over usenet.

7:26 PM

OK, can someone explain to me the point of childproof packaging? I mean, I know it's been commented on before, but my point is this: If a kid is stupid enough and so poorly taught that they try to take adults' medication despite the childproof packaging, they need to die.

In fact, I think every house needs a bottle of fast-acting poison on a low shelf, as a test of parenting skills and of the child's intelligence. If a parent can't convince a kid to "don't eat those, you'll die," then they don't need to be having any kids.

And as a general rule, the people who need the medication the most are the ones least able to open childproof packages. I have a pretty impressive head cold, and through my hazy vision and pain I have to tear along the scored lines, fold back the corner, peel off the paper, then push through the foil. How stupid is that? I have to whip out my Leatherman just to take some Coricidin-D. And here's the best one - my arthritic grandfather's Celebrex is in a childproof bottle.

Childproof packaging is the past. Scorched Earth™ is the future.

9:53 AM

Wow, my ISP's DNS server is royally fucking up. Good thing I'm not clueless like most lusers. But what about the other couple hundred Firstsaga.com customers? I know they have 144 nodes, reverse DNS tells me that. So there must be enough users to fill that many modems, since I've gotten busy signals. How many of them have a copy of WS_Ping-ProPack and a list of open nameservers?

10:56 PM

Dammit, when I take over the world and order the genetic engineers to improve humanity, we're going to do something about this stupid "sinus" idea. I think maybe we'll replace them with a series of vents to the outside air. Or maybe we'll make mucous membranes secrete Lysol. I mean, this may be sacrilegious, but if humans were divinely created, you'd think that an infinite fucking intelligence would be better at designing a simple pressure-control system. I mean, if hairy, stupid, butt-crack-showing plumbers can run pipes though big buildings, why can't a supreme being figure out how to run plumbing through a little skull?

7:41 PM

I have decided I can't get Lasik. Ever. If I did, something would have to go wrong. Just like the reason I can't tolerate contact lenses.
They can't let me see too clearly. Or I'd be able to see the flaws. The visual artifacts in this simulated reality.
I don't know why they keep up the charade. I figured it out years ago.

8:41 PM

So I spent the weekend down at the beach. And it rained all weekend. I hate rain.

But I got my ignition module replaced. Only computer-related part in my car aside from my radio, and it was bad. Dad pulled it off and looked at it, and both its ground connections had 22 years worth of rust on them. Then he cleaned them off so he could hook it up to his tester, just out of curiosity, and the signal was weak and erratic. Our working theory on the no-start problem was that the corrosion on the ground was so bad the module totally lost contact, and when it got banged around by the tow-truck, it settled to a position with a better ground.

Anyway, my car now runs stronger, starts easier, doesn't stall as much, and my radio noise is gone.

The only downside is that I had to spend 3 days away from my computer to get it done. No blogs, no AIM, no porn, it's always a strain when my and my computer are separated.

Sad, isn't it?

Anyway, I tried staying in contact by logging onto AIM on my phone, but it takes forever to compose a message on a 10-key telephone keypad, and it's even harder when I'm... impaired. So no more AIM when I go anywhere with adult beverages.

10:55 AM

You know how people brag about their lineage, like "I'm 1/4 Irish" or "I'm 1/8 Cherokee"? Well I'm at least 1/8 Grinch. As in the noise-hating, kid-deceiving, Christmas-stealing, evil-in-green-fur Grinch.

I hate kids. Dear lord, how I hate them. And the louder they get, the more I hate them.

You know that game they play in Afghanistan, where they ride around on horses kicking around a dead goat? I sometimes want to do that with kids.

7:13 PM

I'm so bored. It's as if boredom is something real and tangible, and I'm wrapped up in it like a straitjacket. Bored bored bored.

9:47 PM

My speedometer is so damn wrong. And I thank the Colonial Heights Gestapo Police for pointing it out.
They have this stupid radar display trailer, and once every few weeks they set it up on one of the 3 main roads in this tiny city. And my last 2 cars' speedometers were calibrated with it almost dead-on.
My new car's speedometer is 5 MPH slow. I had suspected as much, and now I know. That means I can drive faster. I always obey the speed limit according to my speedometer, and I was apparently being extra cautious in my new car.

Thanks, pigs, for telling me I can drive LESS safely! Not the result you intended, but it works for me!

10:07 AM

People are so goddamned stupid when it comes to electronics. You could wear an operational cell phone strapped to your ear for a hundred years WHILE sitting in front of a computer, and you still wouldn't get cancer. Why won't people understand this? Why are they so stupid?

3:20 PM

According to me, these are the best movies of all time. If you don't agree, bite me. If I missed any, let me know:
(Most episodic movies count as one.)
(Alphabetized, because I can't think of a good order.)

2000-year-old Man, The
2001
12 Monkeys
A Boy Named Charlie Brown (Most of those sucked but this one was about a spelling bee, so I can relate.)
Ace Ventura 1&2
American Pie 1&2
Army of Darkness
Austin Powers 1 (but 2 sucked)
Back to the Future 1/2/3
Batman/Batman Returns (the rest suck)
Ben Hur
Blues Brothers, The
Bond Movies (not all, but enough that the list would get skewed)
Buckaroo Banzai
Doctor Otto
Dogma
E.T.
Fifth Element, The
Flash Gordon
Groundhog Day
Hamlet (the Mel Gibson one)
History of the World
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the ORIGINAL)
Independence Day
Matrix, The
McHale's Navy
Men in Black
Monty Python and the Holy Grail SE
Omega Man, The
Payback
Princess Bride, The
Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Schindler's List
Shawshank Redemption, The
Shrek
South Park: BLU
Spaceballs
Star Trek 2/3/4
Star Wars 4/5/6
Stargate
Strange Brew
Superman 1&2
Terminator 1&2
Total Recall
Truman Show, The
UHF
Wayne's World
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

7:34 PM

If it weren't for Fig Newtons, would anybody eat any fig products? Fig Newtons are carrying the fig industry.

8:46 PM

Yes, little college students, enjoy your spring break. It's all part of my master plan. While you're out partying, or visiting home, or taking vacations, I will go break into your apartments and dorms and move all your stuff around just enough to make you think you're crazy.

6:18 PM

Tapioca pudding doesn't have enough tapioca in it. But if it had too much tapioca, it would be like rice pudding, which sucks incredibly.

Speaking of sucking incredibly, I'm thinking of writing a book. I'm going to take everything I've written so far, organize it into a semi-logical format by topic and date, and compile it into a book with illustrations for some of my odder musings (like the Warrior Abe Vigoda, and Yoda the Mailman, and Radio Controlled Spock).

Sadly, I don't know if the project is feasible, given that if anyone read it as I wish to format it, either they would go mad or they would declare me to be so.

11:08 PM

I am so pissed right now. The nurse that visits my grandfather wrapped his legs too tight, and I had to rush home after she was gone, as soon as he realized that he couldn't feel his feet.
These people are supposed to be TRAINED in this stuff, right?

I had to call my mom to tell her to call them and complain. I couldn't do it myself because I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation without insulting the nurse's parentage, intelligence, gender, eating habits, religion, appearance, and any other personal traits for which expletives exist.
Keep in mind, I have never met this nurse. Yet, at this moment, I hate her more than anyone who has ever lived.

I mean, honestly, these people aren't coming to make him MORE disabled. Next time she comes, I think I'll set my dog after her. And I'll do that only because I don't own a gun.

5:12 PM

Everyone should carry a gun. The world would be a safer and more polite place.

Also, the bullets in everyone's gun should be made of silver. With a sliver of wood in the tip. And the wood should be soaked in a mixture of holy water and garlic juice. And the slug should have crosses etched into it and be soaked in the blood of innocents. And they should be radioactive. Then the bullets and the gun should be blessed by at least 3 different types of holy men.

Just covering all the bases.

1:43 PM

I think I should be in charge of the entire entertainment industry. Then I'd appoint a cadre of my acquaintances to wield supreme executive power over any and all entertainment-related projects.
Supreme executive power, and we don't even need a farcical aquatic ceremony.

I'd have final authority, of course. And I'd be able to dole out death sentences. First up, any "musician" who uses excessive profanity and excessive bass. Also, any alleged musician who has more than $1,000,000 in ready assets and continues to sing about the "hood."

This also includes art. Any art involving bodily excretions warrants a sentence of drowning in those same excretions.

And I should have the power to order new or accelerated productions.
"OK, Mr. Mccallum, so you want more time to refine the VFX. But I want time to make my edits. So I'll make you a deal. If you're not done to my satisfaction in accordance with my schedule, I get to remove both your thumbs. Your choice."

And we should be able to bring back dead productions. Yes, JMS, Jeremiah looks nice and all, but I think the majority of your oldest and best fans want more Crusade. So Luke Perry is back out of a job and we pay Gary Cole whatever he wants. In fact, Luke Perry should also be forced to make reparations to the entire world for sucking so hard.

And, dammit, I want The Critic back. Jon Lovitz's character wasn't too great in and of himself, but Franklin Sherman was a genius. I want a fishmobabywhirlimagig. "Take that, Birth of Man! (BOOM!)"

Boy, that was a good rambling blog. I need to ramble like that more often.

11:08 PM

I hate bugs. A lot. I think it must be genetic. If they could have done pre-gestation genetic tests in 1980 like they do in sci-fi movies, the doctor would have said
"Hmm. It says here that he'll be naturally lazy, have an addictive personality, be too smart for his own good, and have an unexplained and passionate hatred for foreigners, idiots, and anything with more than 4 legs."

Because of this hatred for even the most innocuous bugs, I now have a greyish smear of ex-moth on the corner of my monitor right next to where it says "low radiation". I'm considering leaving it there.

3:20 PM