Dragged kicking and screaming

http://twitter.com/TheActualKip - some German dude got TheKip first.
Facebook too. Sigh.

Only because I can post either place from my phone with three taps or less. Damn you, HTC and Google.

8:16 PM

Technology is scary.



This is pretty much the total extent of where I spend 95% of my life. I can tell you my exact position at intervals of five minutes or less with an accuracy of 100 feet or less starting at 11:09 PM on April 9 up to the current minute.

I don't know why anyone would need this information. I don't know why I need this information. But I have it now.

9:26 AM

So...

I just got a new phone. An HTC Hero.

I'm not allowed to tell you who I got it from. No, really. (If you know me then that should, in itself, tell you who I got it from. But per the non-disclosure agreement, I can't say it out loud.)

It's the most complicated phone I've ever used, the only PDA I've ever personally owned, and the highest-resolution camera I've ever personally owned.

But Stupid is not impressed:

I am underwhelmed, large hairless one. Go find me a piece of string or a bottlecap ring to play with.

9:21 PM

Health Care Reform, Simplified

So, I have questions about this new bill.

WE'RE THE GOVERNMENT. WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

(Cringe.) What the-- Where the hell did you come from?

WE ARE EVERYWHERE. WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

Oooookay... So how does this work, exactly?

FROM NOW ON, ALL AMERICANS MUST CARRY A PINEAPPLE ON THEIR PERSON AT ALL TIMES.

Why?

IN CASE YOU SOMEDAY WANT A PINEAPPLE.

I don't like pineapple.

SOMEDAY YOU MIGHT DECIDE YOU DO.

Pretty sure I won't.

WE ARE YOUR GOVERNMENT. WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU. WE KNOW THAT SOMEDAY YOU WILL WANT A PINEAPPLE.

OK, fine, I respect the law, so I guess I have to carry a pineapple.

IT MUST BE FROM A COMPANY APPROVED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION, THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION, THE TEAMSTERS, THE RUSSIAN MAFIA, AND THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION. THEIR EFFORTS WILL BE COORDINATED BY THE NEW FEDERAL BUREAU OF PINEAPPLES, ESTABLISHED BY YOUR BENEVOLENT AND OMNISCIENT GOVERNMENT. WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

Wait, the FCC? Why?

WE MUST MAKE SURE THE PINEAPPLES DO NOT GROW IN THE SHAPE OF A BREAST OR PENIS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MIGHT OFFEND PEOPLE IN CASE THE PINEAPPLES HAPPEN TO BE SEEN ON TELEVISION.

Riiiight. But won't all that regulation increase the price of pineapples?

NO.

How can it not?

BECAUSE WE SAID SO.

That sounds awfully... socialist.

(GASP) NO! IT IS NOT SOCIALISM! IT'S NOT!

How is it not?

BECAUSE WE SAID SO!

I see. Alright, fine. I'll carry an approved pineapple.

GOOD. ALSO, IT MUST BE IN A GOVERNMENT-APPROVED PINEAPPLE BAG.

What the hell? Why can't I use a bag I already own?

BECAUSE WE SAID SO.

You say that a lot.

WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

You say that a lot too. OK, fine, but how am I supposed to eat a pineapple if I do decide I want one? They're covered in spiky bark.

GLAD YOU ASKED. YOU MUST ALSO CARRY A KNIFE AT ALL TIMES.

What??? You're requiring me to carry a weapon?

NOT AT ALL, SILLY CITIZEN. THE KNIFE MUST HAVE A BLUNTED TIP. YOU MUST CARRY A NEW GOVERNMENT-APPROVED NON-STABBY KNIFE, REGULATED BY A NEW DIVISION OF THE BUREAU OF ALCOHOL TOBACCO AND FIREARMS.

This is absurd. I don't want to carry a knife!

DON'T WORRY, THE KNIFE WILL BE SAFE TO CARRY BECAUSE YOU MUST CARRY IT IN A GOVERNMENT-APPROVED SAFETY SHEATH.

Oh, that makes me feel so much better.

WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

Great. Fantastic. Who pays for all this crap?

YOU DO, OF COURSE. IT IS YOUR DUTY AS A PATRIOTIC AND LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN. UNLESS YOU'RE TOO POOR. THEN WE WILL PAY FOR IT WITH MONEY TAKEN FROM RICH PEOPLE.

This also sounds kinda socialist.

IT IS NOT!!! THERE IS NOTHING SOCIALIST ABOUT REDISTRIBUTING WEALTH ON A MASSIVE SCALE! THERE IS NOTHING SOCIALIST ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT MANDATING THE BASIC NEEDS OF ALL ITS BELOVED CITIZENS! IT IS IN NO WAY LIKE THE MOST BASIC PRINCIPLE OF SOCIALISM! IT IS NOT!

Right, right. Because you said so.

EXACTLY.

So who decides who's rich enough to pay for all this and who's poor enough to get it free?

WE DO, OF COURSE.

Of course. OK, I've heard enough. I'm not playing this game. I'm not carrying a pineapple in a pineapple carrier or a non-stabby knife in a safety sheath. I'm just not doing it.

THAT'S FINE TOO! YOU JUST HAVE TO PAY A $750 YEARLY DARING-TO-DEFY-YOUR-OMNISCIENT-AND-BENEVOLENT-GOVERNMENT TAX!

There's no way to win here, is there?

YES THERE IS. BE POOR. WE WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU.

Yeah, sure. Great idea. We all know where that leads.

WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.

7:52 AM

I don't know what prompted this, but I suddenly realize it needs to be said.

Delaware sucks.

I mean, there's absolutely nothing special about them. Their motto is "The First State," which is true only on a technicality. It's like Ohio calling themselves "birthplace of aviation" because the people who invented powered flight IN NORTH CAROLINA happened to be born there. (But I digress.)

Ask any American what the first state was, there's a 90% chance they'll say Virginia. And they're right, goddammit. Just because tiny, desperate little Delaware signed the Constitution first is no claim to fame.

And their license plates SUCK. Keeping the same design since the 50s is, again, not a claim to fame.

And, of course...


That is all.

8:12 PM

Another random thought

My favorite Christmas movie is still Batman Returns.

8:43 PM

Thoughts of the day

A photographer is a practicioner of photography who produces photographs.
Have you ever heard of a "pornograph"?


Did you know Leonardo da Vinci painted ninjas in every one of his major works? No? That's because they're really good ninjas.

9:13 PM

Innovation!



It comes baked-in now! The weird minty/bubblegummy flavor doesn't go too well with the Mexican flavor, but it's SO convenient!

2:12 PM

This is Stupid.

Stupid being capitalized because it's a proper noun. This is my cat. His name is Stupid S. McStupidface the Stupid. (The S doesn't stand for anything. It's like Harry S. Truman.)

That's not his original name. He was named Moses with the input of my on-again-off-again-Jewish mother. But he earned his new name within a few months of moving to my apartment.

This is Stupid on Christmas Eve 2008:


And as a bonus, this is Stupid just a little less than two years ago, shortly after my sister rescued him:


My sister rescued him from near-death and nursed him back to health. She's gullible like that. But his presence drove her first cat completely insane. (She was only marginally insane before.) So on my birthday in 2008, he moved in with me. Since then he has knocked over books, cups, and most notably, a lamp.

The lamp was the tipping point when I decided to officially name him Stupid. Hopefully you will never learn this for yourself, but shards of hot glass on your skin tend to have a serious impact on your opinion of someone's intelligence.

But I still like him. He amuses me. And I insult him ALL the time. And since he's a Jewish cat, I can yell at him in the Cartman voice when he meows at me for something. "SHUT UP KYLE CAT! SHUT YOUR STUPID JEW MOUTH!"

11:46 PM

Interesting stuff!

From an email I just got from my dad: "Your Great Great Grand Parents on your fathers’ side left Germany because they were Jewish and saw the writing on the wall. They had family here so it wasn’t too bad. Look up Keim in PA and OH."

So this makes me, what, another 1/8th Jewish? 1/16th? Some fraction like that. I'm either 31.25% or 37.5% Jewish. Anyway, still allowed to make Jewish jokes. So nyah.

1:59 PM

I don't love jet noise, BUT...

I have learned to tune it out, and I do love the jets themselves.

I love the fact that there's enough ordnance within twenty miles of my house to incinerate every gram of organic matter on Earth.

I love the fact that we could end the experiment called "life" using only the resources in Hampton Roads.

For some reason, I find it reassuring. Is that weird?

12:17 PM

On demographics

So I feel compelled to clarify something that has come up in conversation recently:

I am allowed to make Jewish jokes.

Yes, I am. According to my mother, I'm part Jewish. From what I'm told, her father's mother was an actual practicing Jew. I have no way to validate this claim, but I'll take it on faith (so to speak).

According to Orthodox law, Judaism is matrilineal, ie. anyone born to a Jewish mother is a Jew, period. So even though Pop-Pop probably never set foot in a temple, he was technically Jewish. Assuming my mother's claim is accurate, which, as I have said, I will not question unless I have cause to. And since the goal of this rant is to establish my ethnic provenance, I don't have cause to question this.

Given that one of my grandparents was fully Jewish, even on a technicality, this makes me a quarter Jewish. In terms of heritage, I'm about as Jewish as Harrison Ford, and Adam Sandler claims him.

So I'm allowed to make Jewish jokes. QED.

10:44 PM

Temptation

So the organizational changes that have been going on at my company for two years finally have the chance to really benefit me, and I'm finally applying for a new position.

This requires me to submit a new resume to Human Resources, and I'm really tempted to do something silly.

Because in addition to my real resume, I have a very detailed fake one that I'd love to send in. It lists some really great stuff:

• 42 years experience with Windows XP, despite being only 28 years old and Windows XP being released only 7 years ago, through the use of a time machine of my own creation.
• Solved world hunger forever for everyone except Muslims and Jews by opening a portal to the Dimension of Bacon.
• Recognized as a god by several cultures.

12:00 PM

Random thoughts on driving.

Product recommendation: Rain-X de-icer/bug-remover windshield washer fluid. Bought it on a whim because it was orange. Turns out it actually does something. Kinda neat to watch water beading up on the windshield and blowing away on its own.


Here's something I've taken up as a hobby that is probably a bad thing: Manipulating traffic.

It's strictly small-time, but I seem to have developed an affinity for altering the behavior of other drivers. For example: The other day I made a professional firefighter drive like a complete idiot. I was sitting side-by-side with a truck at a light, and when it turned green, I took off like a shot as usual. I always take off unnecessarily fast from stoplights. This truck kept up with me. He accelerated, I accelerated. This went on up to about 10 over the limit, when I backed down. (At this point I saw the "professional firefighter" plate and rather expected him to behave reasonably.) He kept speeding. I watched him dart back and forth through traffic. Basically driving like a maniac. He kept this up for the next eight miles, but at no point did he ever manage to get more than a few hundred yards ahead of me, while I drove like a level-headed law-abiding citizen.

All it took to make this person become a reckless driver was to apply a little extra gas for a quarter mile. I think this is utterly goddamn hilarious. So I've been looking for more and more ways to tip the balance. Butterfly effect, and all that.

The question at the forefront of my mind is what I can do, without being overtly aggressive or perceptibly more dickish than usual, to inject a little more chaos into the world.


I want the world to go completely to shit. My philosophy is, let the pinkos play with fire. When they finally burn themselves too badly, they'll beg us to bring order back.

8:07 PM

"I pardon you."

Those of you who voted for Barack Obama, I forgive you. Because I know that if you're really sorry, God will forgive you for it.

Not the people who voted for Gore or Kerry, though. They knew full well what kind of evil they were supporting. They can burn in hell. But Obama voters were just duped.

Here's something that's been bugging me lately. This is the "Open Hearts" pendant design by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman:


Something about it just bugged me right from the start. Then it hit me:


So... yeah. What a charming idea. Let's all buy Jane Seymour's "Tits and Ass" pendant for our moms and sisters.

4:04 PM